When I hit fifty last year I seemed to develop my own personal version of Tourette’s Syndrome. Having previously been a fairly reserved person who, on the whole, let things pass her by unremarked upon, I suddenly found that I was speaking my mind on almost every subject, but particularly on subjects that annoyed me.
Only last week I sought out the manager in my local supermarket. I couldn’t understand why the shelves were crammed full of New Zealand lamb when our own English fields are overflowing with sheep of every description. Driving over Wandsworth Bridge yesterday I subsequently emailed my MP to demand why, when there are two perfectly good cycle lanes on the extra-wide pavements, cyclists still insist on using the road, causing me, in my car, to attempt involuntary suicide in order to avoid them. And this morning I found myself banging on my neighbour’s door having finally lost patience with their barking dog waking me up every morning well before I am ready.
When it comes to dealing with writers I try to keep my patience, I really do. Giving advice, after all, is my livelihood and, having recently launched a dedicated advice line, you would think that, on the other end of the line, I am the soul of patience and gentle wisdom. Most of the time I am (because most of the time my callers are genuine, lovely people who simply want a sensible answer to a sensible question), but sometimes, SOMETIMES, I just can’t help myself. Sometimes the sheer stupidity and tedium of the calls I receive drive the blood to my brain and a tetchy sigh to my lips. So here they are. Twenty reasons to be angry:-
Call 1: ‘Hello Ms Jordan, I’ve wrote this book’ Tetchy sigh.
Call 2: ‘Hello Ms Jordan, I’ve written this book. Do you want to publish it?’ Tetchy sigh.
Call 3: ‘Hello Ms Jordan, my book could be enjoyed by anyone from newborn babies to teenagers.’ Tetchy sigh.
Call 4: ‘Hello Ms Jordan, I’ve come up with this really original concept about a squirrel called Cyril.’ Tetchy sigh.
Call 5: ‘Hello Ms Jordan, I’ve written the next Harry Potter. It’s called ‘Harriet Totter & the Psychotherapist’s Pebble’.’ Tetchy sigh.
Call 6: ‘Hello Ms Corner. That IS Helen Corner from Cornerstones isn’t it?’ Tetchy sigh.
Call 7: ‘Hello Ms Jordan, no I’m afraid I can’t tell you what my story is about. You might steal it!’ Tetchy sigh.
Call 8: ‘Hello Ms Jordan, I thought your appraisal of my manuscript was rubbish. I think it’s brilliant.’ Tetchy sigh.
Call 9: ‘Hello Ms Jordan, I thought your appraisal of my manuscript was rubbish. My niece thinks it’s brilliant.’ Tetchy sigh.
Call 10: ‘Hello Ms Jordan, I’ve been rejected by every publisher and agent in The Children’s Writers’ & Artists’ Yearbook. Can you help me?’ Tetchy sigh – although I probably can.
Call 11: ‘Hello Ms Jordan, my manuscript has been with Top Literary Agency Inc. for three years. Do you think I’m still in with a chance?’ Tetchy sigh.
Call 12: ‘Hello Ms Jordan, I’m thinking Quentin Blake as my illustrator and Disney to make the film. You can guarantee that, right?’ Tetchy sigh.
Call 13: ‘Hello Ms Jordan, yes I want to write for children. No I never read children’s books. Why do you ask?’ Tetchy sigh.
Call 14: ‘Hello Ms Jordan, can you read and advise on my 600,000 word trilogy? What do you mean you charge a fee?’ Tetchy sigh.
Call 15: ‘Hello Ms Gordon…’ Tetchy sigh.
Call 16: ‘Hello Ms Jordan, I’m sending over my manuscript in a safe, accompanied by a non-disclosure agreement and David Cameron’s outriders.’ Tetchy sigh…although just very slightly impressed.
Call 17: ‘Hello Ms Jordan, how come you haven’t returned my calls? No I didn’t leave my number.’ Tetchy sigh.
Call 18: ‘Hello Ms Jordan, it’s more than just a book I’m offering. My sister’s done the illustrations, my granny’s knitted the toys and my uncle has promised to stock it in his paper shop.’ Tetchy sigh.
Call 19: ‘Hello Ms Jordan, my three year-old son, Sean, has written a poem and his teacher says it should be published.’ Tetchy sigh.
Call 20: ‘Hello Ms Jordan, I’m Sean’s teacher and I’ve wrote this book…’
Slam down the phone. Enough!
(With thanks to Sarah Davies who wrote the original, much funnier, version of this blog on her site www.greenhouseliterary.com. Although I should point out that all the above queries are ones that I’ve received personally – albeit with a bit of poetic licence thrown in!)
I’ve just read your Angry Old Woman. It’s priceless. I laughed with disbelief at the crazy questions people ask.
Now I have a question. How long will it take for me to become a published well known favourite children’s writer making more money than I know what to do with?
How many techy’s will that earn me?
Hi, (sorry for my mistakes, I’m french!) I am happy to learn, why I also find myself speaking up! It’s because I’m over 50 years old! I came upon your article, par hasard, still fuming from the answer of a publisher.
Yes I must admit, I wrote back!
I was so happy to send my anti-sexiste story… Just the kind they publish! I had read severall of their picture books and I knew I was in what they call here the good “ligne editorial”. And four hours after submitting my project I got this horrible answer that makes you feel they didn’t read your submission: Sorry your story doesn’t correspond to our editorial line! grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
I didn’t hold my tongue, perhaps I should have… I wondered why I had to react and say what I thought(staying polite!)... Now I found the answer: I”m over 50! Thanks!
http://comptines.over-blog.com
Yes I agree, Nicole, bland reasons from publishers for rejection are very irritating. Although, speaking with my Puffin Reader’s hat on, I should point out that many editors and readers simply don’t have the time to give anything more than a standard response…and that includes myself. It’s one of the reasons why I set up The Writers’ Advice Centre in the first place. Don’t let one person’s response put you off approaching other publishers. Do make sure, however, that they accept unsolicited manuscripts before you approach them.
Thanks Louise! In france we are lucky: no need of an agent, and up to now we can freely submit! But I believe something will happen because with internet, they get even more submissions! I am very carefull when I try english speaking publishers. I first look at their instructions.
This publisher I talked about kindly wrote back and said they were feminists… I wasn”t feminist enough in my writting.
I understand that even if I was brought up by a very feminist mother… she taught me respect for men, what ever! so I will never be feminist enough! :-)
And I also discovered as I was signing some books in the library, that the books of that publisher didn’t sell well at all!That cooled me down completely!!!!!!!!!!
(and I did thank the publisher for giving me some of his precious time!)
I’ve only been writing children’s stories for a short while and don’t feel confident about submitting anywhere except to you Louise. Will you suggest competitions or packagers if my writing improves sufficiently? I have now read lots of children’s books and I wonder why didn’t i think of a good plot like that. I love hearing about new writer’s making it it’s really exciting. It must be the best feeling in the world. I do think it’s a shame that there isn’t more feedback from publishers. I suppose there would be if it was good enough.
Yes, that is the point I’m afraid. If your work is good enough an editor will take the time to give personal feedback. It’s what’s called a ‘near miss’. If it isn’t good enough then the last thing an editor would want to do is to give false encouragement. They are being cruel to be kind, believe me!
Well last monday I decided to send this same story to another publisher, just bbecause I saw a book title that sounded kind of the same…(on there site) A few hours later I had a mail: “I just love your story, have you thought about an illustrator?”
Waouh! I was amazed! And it is a better publisher too!
So now the question… do publishers like a certain type of titles???? :-))))
That’s great, Nicole. What publisher was that and have they now offered you a contract? And, by that, I am asking if they’ve offered you a contract that pays you rather than you paying them?
I don’t want to sound picky, Nicole, but in your post ‘there’ should have been written ‘their’. You may think this an unimportant point but UK publishers are looking for writers who, first and foremost, can write grammatically correct English. I’m afraid it is the very first hurdle you will have to overcome and, if that is beyond you, then I would suggest, perhaps, approaching publishers in your home country instead.